I know what you’re thinking…tell us how you really feel lady, jeeze! Haha. Truth is I am SO BLAHHHH lately it is redonk. Let’s get the bitching out of the way first:

  • My summer school schedule sucks and I would rather pluck out my eyelashes one by one than learn more about spanish and the judicial process…oh and death and dying which is an “at your pace” online class that I have yet to start!
  • Life with SD is unlovely (yes, I just made that up) as usual. The sky is the limit with her tudes and lack of respect. Pretty positive she hasn’t watched TV in 2 weeks. WHOOPS! And to top it off I now have to drive 66 miles round trip to get her to summer camp at her new school. YAY
  • The lack of motivation I have to do anything besides crack open a bottle of vino lately is utterly embarrassing lol. Seriously, I barely make it to the gym twice a week. I have gone down to only vacuuming once a week… GASP! SN: in this heat (already in the 90s) with 2 shedding dogs it is gross. SHAMEFUL I tell you! My dinners are boring. I have fallen off the calorie counting wagon. And the last time we walked the dogs is prob a hot 14 days ago or so.  I don’t even complete my OCD to-do lists anymore. I think I am dying lol.


 So, in other (positive) random news…Hubs and I found a fabulous new hotel we stayed in last weekend for a night. Hilton Bonnett Creek Orlando-great rates, awesome pool and all around beautiful property. It’s on Disney property & Disney makes me happy lol. Let me not forget to add that the lobby bar has an outstanding Hendricks cucumber tini! It may be hot as shit outside but that equals tan bods, and vitamin D makes you (me) happy! Booked our fourth of July trip to Key West (& hubs bday). I’m doing my first “mud run” next weekend, which should be REAL interesting considering my lack of physical activity lately. Got tickets to Jason Aldean/Luke Bryan and plan on having an epic tailgate come August 10th. SD is doing a lock-in at our YMCA this Saturday…annnnnd “Parents Night Out” Friday-YATZEE. $32 well spent there folks. Headed to a food festival this weekend as well, snagged $5 tickets on living social. I learned that if you spray lemon furniture polish on your glass shower doors and let it sit for 15 min or so it just wipes it all away (are these really the things that excite me now?)-thank you Pinterest. Anything Pioneer Woman has turned out amazeballs. I am slowly but surely cutting down our monthly bills.  Annnnnd last but not least I have not killed anyone-YET. Muahahahaha :)

So there you have it, I guess it isn’t SO bad in the life of this hot mess. HA! Til next time betches…


I want to be like these fools! (Lola & Bob-O)

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Slacker May Update

I know, I know. I have been SLACKING. My bad!

Let’s see if I can distract myself from the 100 pages I have to read for Judicial Process and Politics tomorrow morning for a bit longer by doing a May recap, since this month has FLOWN by…

Family Cruise: Was lots of fun, minus SD acting a fool. She managed to almost get kicked out of “Camp Carnival” for pushing kids and not following directions. AWESOME! Buckets of beer=$22. Yep, 4 16oz beers are as more than a case on land. Our tequila made it on but the “soda” did not. Womp Womp. I thought I was so crafty hot gluing those boxed back lol. We left on Cinco de Mayo so the tequila was still relevant. And lemonade is free, so we had make shift margs for day one and 2?! We also ordered a bottle to our room from the Bon Voyage services, and I highly recommend doing that if you are cruising. $55 for a handle of Skye-pricey but not as pricey as individual drinks. Grand Cayman was the first stop, we took SD to StingRay City and that was GORGEOUS. The water was crystal clear. Snorkeling was the second half of that excursion and SD and I opted out while Hubs played around in the ocean. I was sure she was going to swallow a gallon of salt water and I would be the a-hole with the puking kid all the way back to shore LOL. Second port was Cozumel and after said Camp Carnival incident and the tude that followed, SD didn’t get to go on shore with us there. So being KID FREE we clearly opted for the all you can drink beach day “at leisure”…I’d also like to call this the “who can make friends with randoms and try and out drink them for 8 hours day” because that is how it went down! Good times! I also managed to purchase some Mexican Adipex that I am convinced may be crack. STRONG is the best word to describe it. <3

StingRay City…I need a raft, a beer and this in my life NOW PLEASE!

School: USF has pissed me off again by cancelling two of my classes I was registered for. So that leaves me with Spanish 2 at HCC, Judicial Process & Politics at USF on campus and Life after Death online at USF. Fortunately the online course is a “self paced” class so more than likely I will procrastinate until the end of the semester to even attempt that. HA! 10 hours in 10 weeks, not too horrifying. Fall is going to be another story with 15 hours :-/ At least I graduate in May of 2013?! I GUESS THAT WILL DO…

Family: Dramatic as usual. Probs with Pops, although he has scored a new job set to start tomorrow. SD and her tude need to change. Hubs is awesome and I am a stress ball as usual. Gramps is sick but I think they finally found out what is wrong with him, so that’s a plus. And I guess I need to go out at see my brother’s grave sometime soon and change out the flowers…hmmm yeah. Write that down. BM drama is at a lull and we really have made some strides with all of that mess in the past few weeks. SD will be going to BM’s school in the other county, but whatevs it works out for us too in other ways. What’s a 66 mile round trip 15-20 times a month when you have a leased high end SUV (pardon me BMW, SAV: Sport Activity Vehicle)?! PENNIES isn’t the answer haha.  Maybe life will be “normal” here soon?! Doubt it.

Misc: My Pinterest addition has gotten worse. I am trying the Pioneer Woman Meat Balls for dinner this week. People are swearing by this woman’s blog and recipes so I will give it a whirl! I just baked my “hard boiled” eggs (really much easier). It has to be a clinical sickness how much crap I pin, but at least it spices up my weekly menu. Tonight is chili lime tilapia, roasted sweet potatoes & broccoli. YUM. I really have issues with food lol. Prob going to try to make the avocado egg salad I pinned a bit ago for lunch…even though it is 2pm. Clearly slacking is the theme this month. Follow me on Pinterest, I occasionally post my own stuff too :)

Ummm what else?! Bought tickets to Jason Aldean/Luke Bryan in August, that should be a good time! School is out July 20th at USF-HOORAY. Still trying to nail down kid friendly 4th of July plans but this mid week crap blows. Hubs bday is the day prior (oh God, 29…one more year for the baby factory to be open HAHAHA) so we HAVE to do something. I applied for the Obama Organizing Fellowship for the Summer so maybe I will get that and have tons of awesome political stories for all of you! Fun stuff here, I tell ya ;)

That’s all I’ve got today betches! Time to read, shampoo carpets and maybe shower?! MAYBE. Muahahaha.


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Shit my SD says

Yep, the 5 yr old sure says some doozies! I will update as more random and possibly inappropriate crap flies out of her mouth…feel free to add your own kids (or mine) words as a comment!

  • “Amanda, here is a bell…I will ring it when I need you”
  • “When will I get boobies? My Nana’s boobies are long will they look like those?” Sorry NJ, she said it not me!
  • “What’s a wiener?!”
  • “Can I get you a beard?” Note beard=beer and she will ask at all hours of the day haha. here’s my sign?
  • “Are you paying with my Daddy’s money? Because you don’t have a job” This was at the counter at Juicy…sure was Daddy’s money dear ;)
  • “Red solo poop, I feel you poop…let’s have a poooooopppppy! Proceed to poopy!”
  • “Amanda you are never ever gonna have babies if you keep taking your no baby medicine!”
  • “We don’t ever go anywhere fun except Disney, Unibersal, the beach…” umm really?!
REALLY LATE UPDATE (all from 4/21 randomly at the Rat’s house (CEC)):
  • “It’s Justin Beiber that attacts me”
  • One time I showered with Nana and she was naked and it looked like freckles and old stuff”
  • SD: “When can I get a tattoo?” BD: “Never, I’ll be mad at you” SD: “Well you won’t know cause I’ll be in New Nork, you know that!” uhhhhh what?! lol.

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Is “thick” a compliment?!

Seriously…I was in my International Relations class the other day talking with some people while we were waiting on our professor and the topic turned to fitness and work out tips. Of course I chimed in, that is my shit. I was telling them about my love for Body Pump and the Nike Training Club app when the 92lb black girl says “I want to be thick like you girl, what exactly do you do?” UMMMM?! I’m sorry but I don’t know if I should thank you or smack you! I guess this is a cultural compliment that my white “thick” ass doesn’t quite get lol.

I mean look, I get it. I am built like some sort of 90’s freakshow gymnast (I say 90’s because now they all look so tall and lean in comparison to the ones I grew up idolizing) with tree trunk thighs and a huge ass. But it isn’t some obsession with the “Brazillian Butt” crap they are advertising or anything recent for that matter that has achieved this “thickness”. I can leg press 175lbs, do billions of squats and throw my ass over my head in tumbling because of a life time of ass growing work. Gymnastics to dance to cheerleading is the road that lead me to this figure. I don’t hate it, but I’m not exactly a fan of having to A) buy a size up in bottoms so that my ass will fit or B) purchasing APPLE BOTTOMS or BABY PHAT to accommodate this monster. After losing 20lbs recently I don’t really like the word thick. LOL. Bottom line (HA!) is I’d rather have this badonkadonk then some pancake ass, so thanks tiny black girl in my class-I think I like what you said?!

Anyhoo, time for house work. 12:30 VPK pick up rolls around fast and that’s followed by errands, gym (coincidentally its legs day) and the pool. Attempting to teach SD to snorkel before our cruise in 17 days…but who’s counting? :)


LOVE this ad. Thank you Nike for keeping it 100!

Protected: The cost of being a step parent…

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Free wine & roofing conventions…

Heyo! I’m currently sitting at my room service table in Carlsbad, CA. Jealous?! Should be, my huevos rancheros just cost me $35 and who knows what this Heineken costs from the mini bar lol. VACATIONNNNNN!

So last night was the first night of the roofing conference. Let’s just say I was “watering down” my lemonade at Disneyland yesterday and shit hasnt stopped since. Husband put himself to bed shortly after the filet & prawns. I didnt want to turn in, obviously so I stayed at “casino night” with the father in law. Lets just say shit got REAL. Tears, funerals & the word “cunty” were present. I have held onto some pretty shitty feelings towards my no show funeral inlaws for a while. Yep, NOT ONE of them came to my baby brother’s funeral-except my mom in law. But of course I am expected to attend every lame ass birthday party, holiday or bullshit dinner I get pitty invited to. Im over it. Soooooo yeah, that was put on the table only for no resolution. I may have woken up in my dress, but I still know what the shit went on. Typical.

So for now, this is my theme song. The mens are golfing, I guess I should hit the gym. Toodles betches :)


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I’m 28 & on Spring Break Bitchesssss!

Yep, that’s real life.

Last week was my birthday. Yippee. I’m another year closer to necessary botox, ash hair color and a boob lift?! haha. Was a great day: went to Luke Bryan at the Strawberry Festival with like 12 of my favorite people. Snuck in about 25 mini bottles in our BOOTS (dry activity=snoozefest). Did you know you can fit like 4 in each boot? Fun fact for ya. Got shmammered, but didn’t vom or lose anything! Lookie there kids, I’m growing up lol! Oh and FB decided that I was only turning 27, so for that I thank you Mark Zuckerberg (may want to check your apps and their calculations though buddy).

The one of maybe a handful of perks of being on the 10 year plan in college is just that. SPRING BREAK! Husband and I are headed to California for 6 days, hitting up LA, Carlsbad & San Diego. He will be attending a roofing conference and I will be working on my tan and killing my liver poolside at the Park Aviara Hyatt! Sounds like a freaking deal to me!

Back to this “10 year plan” bs.  Let’s clear the air, I attended 2002-2003ish at USF while I was an all-girl cheerleader for them, then took say a 5 year? hiatus from school and did this thing called REAL LIFE. I lived solo, had my own car, paid for everything by my GD self :) Lots of crazy shit went down in that time period, and I made more money than most of you will your first years out of school. I moonlighted as an executive administrative assistant to a commercial real estate brokerage, bartended at local bars, coached nationally ranked all star cheer & dance teams. Most of the time all at once.  So, no…I don’t have sympathy for those of you still camping out at mom & dad’s or not handling your own shit after say about age 22 even though I started that at 19 lol. Started back at community college due to the cost of the lovely home of the Bulls and went part time around 2009. Finished up my AA in Fall this year (because I owed USF cash still, of course) and now I’m on my home stretch to graduate with a BA in Political Science in December of this year if all goes well.

No school. No work. No kid. No dogs. NOTHING to be responsible for except keeping my Tervis filled with the good stuff. Hell I may even kick it like I’m 19 again and drink in the shower (Panama City Beach circa 2002 or 3?!). 

I’ll check back in with who knows what kind of randomness later this week. 5:15am flight outta this beast in the morning :)


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Carnie Rant

Happy Hump Day Bitches! 

For those of you that aren’t from my hood, the Florida Strawberry Festival is going on right now. We don’t play around when it comes to berries! You can get strawberry shortcake, strawberry cookies, strawberry lemonade, strawberry sweet tea, strawberry shakes, strawberry funnel cakes…the list goes on. Plus every delicious & disgusting fried or “on a stick” creation you can imagine. So there are the usual games, rides, a parade, concerts (LUKE BRYAN tomorrow on MY BIRTHDAY eeeek), animal shows, and PAGEANTS! Of course we have a Strawberry Queen, duh. Girls starve themselves for that coveted title haha! We rode the “Bear Affair” (really with that name?!), The Super Fun Slide & some himalaya gimic-maybe called the Flying Bobs?! Hell I don’t know. I also got sucked into the ping pong fish game and boy was I wrong when I thought SD wouldn’t sink one. Now we have a fish named “Strawberry Bum Bum“- you think the carnies inspired her name?! hahahaha. SD had a corndog and strawberry lemonade. All for the low price of $50. YEE HAW :)

And with all that comes…CARNIES! These mofos are beyond annoying. Yes, I get it-it’s your job to talk shit and try and take my money. But really…when I have a damn 5 yr old tagging along can you refrain from “damn look at THAT ass” or “hey sexy mama this ones on me…let her play” GROSS. One even guessed my damn name which blew SD’s mind so she tried to keep talking to the one toothed wonder. What makes them think it is ok to act/look/talk like that? I live pretty damn close to carnie central, aka Gibsonton FL so you would think I’d be used to it. Not the case. I still want to hand out toothbrushes, hand sani and GED pamphlets.

That’s my adventure for the day…now to write this midterm. BOO


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The Steel Trap

Yeah I said it. When it comes to certain things my freaking mind is like a steel trap. Normally it is pertaining to shit that isn’t necessarily super important…like song lyrics from 1989, Britney Spears dances, my first tap routine, how to count to 10 in Japanese, etc. But there is one thing that comes in handy ever so often…I have a effing card catalog in my head of shit people agreed to. Plans, legal documents, response times, things owed to me-it’s all there. I file every email away. Invitations are on my cork board. I have excel sheets for bills. I know how much cash I spent at the bar no matter how blacked out I get. My gmail calendar is pushed to my phone & I have a hand written calendar on top of that. I function off of extreme to-do lists. I AM ON IT. Now, is it OCD? Probably so, but the OCD has brought so much order to things in my life for the past few years that are so DISORDERLY. So fair warning if you are going to quote me, check your facts and check the paper trail because I can promise you I have it :)

Happy Sunday Bitches…I’m off to shop my ass off in this nasty SoFla weather!


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Should we go back to snail mail?!

Ok. I’m impatient, I admitted that in my bio but holy shit there is something that drives me BONKERS.


Be it family, professors, businesses or whoever the hell I have spent time writing detailed emails to I swear to Cheesus* I only know like 2 people as prompt as I am with returning emails! I’d say 80% of all the people I write to have smartphones…with push capabilities so what the hell is the issue? Is your time more valuable than mine? Is it that hard to acknowledge it and reply in short? I’m confused. Here is when it gets even better…

I SEE YOU ON FB, WWF, Pinterest or any other GD social network tip tapping away from-you guessed it-your mobile device!

That makes me want to punch babies. Financial offices and family seem to be the repeat offenders. I mean, I get it we are all SOOOOOO busy in our awesome jet setting lives that hitting reply is entirely too much but JEEZ!  Simple replies are accepted people: yes, ok thanks, got it!, I will have to check let me get back to you, etc. ALL WORK JUST FINE. Whew, had to get that out there. Now don’t read this and ignore my ass for shits & gigs ;)


*Cheesus: referencing my dear B. Spears lord and savior Chester the Cheeto Cat since I don’t believe in MAGIC (get it now?!) hahaha. 

That's mah girl!

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