Category Archives: Random

Why going shopping is the WORST

Lets start this off with the fact that I said going shopping is the worst, not shopping itself. There is a clear difference and my loving husband and coworkers can attest that I can shop with the best of them…online. Amazon Prime is the best shit since sliced bread as far as I am concerned. Wait 7-10 days for an item to arrive? NOPE. Filter that shit out on Amazon and find someone who has it right meow! Also note that I LOVE going to the grocery store, its like my happy place. Much of a happier place when I could have Tervis full of the good shit doing my thing solo, but I digress.  Lets break down why going shopping blows big ones, shall we?!

  • People are fucking idiots. This time I’m talking those of the adult kind. Like oh hey let me park my semi sized cart (yes, you know the one I am talking about- the 2 seater kids racecar bullshit I have only made the mistake of giving into ONCE) in the middle of the aisle where I’m not buying shit and chat with a neighbor while there are 10 other people trying to man their metal cart of shit around me. Sounds legit, right? Or how about when you are in a small section of clothing and someone is allllll up in your space about 2 hangers away sifting through the exact same rack at the same damn time? That is when we play a game of catch my elbow to your torso if you don’t give me the 30 damn seconds I need to find my size :) Oops, sorry! Then there are the adults that wander around like my 8 year old SD. These are the ones pushing carts on the wrong side, walking 3 adults deep HORIZONTALLY and not moving to let you pass by or mind fucked into their phone so hard I’m not sure what they are even doing there. Y’all need to stay at WalMart, mmmk?!
  • Kids. I get it, you have to take them places but can we please have some damn ground rules? How about if it fits, it sits…in the damn cart. Little Charlie will be much better off crushing that cookie in the comfort of the shopping cart. Instead we deal with kids touching everything, cart wheeling through aisles, hiding in racks of clothes (I am not trying to be tagged as “it” while sifting through Nike Pro’s, alright?!) and acting as tiny human speed bumps. Also, how about if they are IDK 10 or 12 like this one a-hole I saw, straight up riding in the cart ice luge style on the bottom rack we say that’s probably not a good idea?! Not my prob if he gets his foot checked by the next passer by but jeezuz people, come on!
  • Trying things on. 90% of the time I refuse. Just think about what you’re doing- sticking your stank ass into what someone else just did the same to ten minutes before? Ever hear of people trying on undies?! YEAH, THAT IS A THING. Order those bitches online and they arrive sealed in individual bags. File that one under #ProTip, you’re welcome. Bathing suits? No chance! That sticker isn’t protecting your goodies from somebody else’s gross lady bits for one second! Again…order online and return/exchange if you have to.
  • Electric carts. If I had to guess I’d say about 80% or more of the people using those things are not physically impaired enough to need them. Normally they are What’s Eating Gilbert Grape giant, old AF, lazy or a trifecta. Or drunk idiots like my brother (RIP)… SMDH. Anyways, these things are huge, loud and the drivers are the same. Cut the shit and walk it out if you can, your ‘beetus thanks you.

The list could go on and on really. I will stick to tracking 14 packages a week and playing whats in the box at work so long as I can dodge shopping as much as possible! Y’all can have those thrilling trips to the mall, LMK when you’re exiting so I can meet you for an adult beverage!



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Calm Before the Storm…

As most of you have read on my FB or Twitter, your fave hot mess has landed a BIG GIRL JOB! And if you were wondering did hell freeze over?! The answer is no, because it’s still freaking 95 degrees out here in the land of humidity AKA Florida.

I start as the new sales admin for a local shipping company on Monday…and I am a bit nervous. Not because of the job and what it entails, just the fact that I will be nearly (ok 35 hours) full-time there, full-time at USF and part-time SMom. Throw in that 35 mile drive to BFE 2-3 times a week followed by class then work. Add a night class-which is a whopping 3 hours and all the other shit I tend to over commit myself to and you may flip out for me! LOL. We all know I am OCD and have every millisecond mapped out, but with a 5 yr old SD SHIT happens. And it’s normally at the worst times, obviously!

In other news:

School: my professors are pretty legit and I’m actually really into my Biopolitics class. We Americans sure  used to be some real heartless assholes! Example: Tuskegee Syphilis Study or when we “allegedly” established a fake hepatitis B vaccination (in lieu of the Polio one that was needed) campaign in Pakistan to help apprehend its most wanted man; Bin Laden. Way to go Merica, nothing says trust like faking out sick people! VOM. Seriously though, look that shit up. It’s pretty interesting.

Travel:  just got back  Monday night from a mini vacay in Orlando with a few friends and had an AWESOME time. So awesome that I in fact will be detoxing and working out like a nutbag for the next month prior to our next mini vacay…you know, in all that extra time I will have soon. Up next is my 10 year high school reunion (Side Note: GET YOUR CHECKS IN SLACKING COUGAR ALUMNI) in St. Pete in mid October followed by NYC for turkey day. The mom will be in town for Halloween and we are staying one night at Disney for Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween shin-dig, so I guess that counts too haha!

Life: Good in general. Hubs business is thriving, I nailed a job, dogs are good and SD’s behavior has been pretty on point. Tiffs here and there with BM, but that is just par for the course on this blog isn’t it?! I am happy to admit that I will be pulling out of that more and more as I get busier with work and school. I will no longer be the go to for appointments or other randoms. I decided its more than time to get on with me and if other people fall to the wayside (hubs being an exception), then so be it.

FitnASS: if you aren’t following me on Twitter (, shame on you. If you are, then you know it’s #SquatSeptember and I am up to 70 today. Start with a lower goal and add 5 on everyday. Your ass and/or significant other can thank me & @gymratdiaries later. Back on the cardio grind and a new B complex supplement. No more fatty food until I can drink my face off with it…and we’re on day 2 of that so lets see how I feel next week haha!

Todays Dinner: Greek chicken pitas with cukes, golden cherry toms, onion, light feta, tzatsiki sauce & spinach couscous. Also whipped up a batch of pumpkin cake; which is only a can of pumpkin and a box of sugar free yellow cake mix baked at 350 for like 30 min or so. DELISH.

That’s all I’ve got for ya today kids. Til next week! <3


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Mud Runs, Real Ryders & Bad Kids…

Alrighty, so it has been an eventful few weeks and I have been back to my psycho gym and diet routine! YAY!! PS I <3 adipex, judge me lol!! So here is the low down as of late:

On top of attempting to be Ms. Fitness of the YMCA I managed to survive the “Prison Break Mud Run” in Tampa last weekend. It was a little over 4 miles of mud, sweat, air guns being shot at you, swimming, running, jumping, & climbing stuff that I may or may not have whined my way through…but I made it damn it! Truth be told my anxiety was through the roof prior to being nailed in the ass by one of those air guns, but then I realized I wasn’t dying and kept truckin’ lol. I’m not a runner, and this course had a lot of that so I was dragging ass. I anticipated more obstacle like stuff to break it up but no such luck. At the end of the day, I had fun and burned about 700 calories all before noon on a Saturday. Obviously that rendered 7-10 Skinny Girl Margs & Pina Coladas. DUH. I def recommend the pina over the marg!


So while still on my adipex high I agreed to also try out spinning at my man BFF’s new studio: It. Kicked. My. Ass. This is not a typical YMCA class with weird background music and crappy bikes in a tiny room-it is super legit. Reid got the best stuff on the market and put them in a studio that most retail stores can’t compare with. The logo is perfect, the music is BA, music videos are streaming on the flat screens and the bikes…are nuts! ON1 Cycle has a fleet of Real Ryder bikes that kick your ass. They actually lean side to side and work your abs like you wouldn’t believe. I was spent after the 45 minute class this morning…and my lady parts are a a little angry that I didn’t have more cushion, but my jacked glutes, hammies & quads out weigh the pain :)


Me, Reid & Sara post getting “ON1”

So that was all good shit, right?! Well it wouldn’t be my blog if I didn’t throw in a rant somehow, so here we go. Today I picked up SD, who I was told by BM had a rough morning prior to going to summer camp at her elementary school. Nothing I’m not used to here, obviously. Well I go to the computer to log her out and I get flagged to go see the lady that runs the show…SUPER! Turns out SD popped off and wouldn’t follow directions during a safety procedure. She got written up! I got the usual “I don’t know” when I asked what happened, followed by the crocodile tears. Silent 40 minute car ride home. Took away the beloved LeapPad & TV per BD and she doesn’t seem to give a shit! Letting BD handle the “talk” when he gets home. I’ll be pouring vodka and watching the show :) Maybe I am over reacting, or I expect too much but dear baby cheesus…I made it from K to HS graduation without ONE DAMN WRITE UP. She is not even technically in kindergarten yet lol. AY YI YI.

Thats all I’ve got for now! Check back in after the Keys next weekend. DRINK UP BETCHES!


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I know what you’re thinking…tell us how you really feel lady, jeeze! Haha. Truth is I am SO BLAHHHH lately it is redonk. Let’s get the bitching out of the way first:

  • My summer school schedule sucks and I would rather pluck out my eyelashes one by one than learn more about spanish and the judicial process…oh and death and dying which is an “at your pace” online class that I have yet to start!
  • Life with SD is unlovely (yes, I just made that up) as usual. The sky is the limit with her tudes and lack of respect. Pretty positive she hasn’t watched TV in 2 weeks. WHOOPS! And to top it off I now have to drive 66 miles round trip to get her to summer camp at her new school. YAY
  • The lack of motivation I have to do anything besides crack open a bottle of vino lately is utterly embarrassing lol. Seriously, I barely make it to the gym twice a week. I have gone down to only vacuuming once a week… GASP! SN: in this heat (already in the 90s) with 2 shedding dogs it is gross. SHAMEFUL I tell you! My dinners are boring. I have fallen off the calorie counting wagon. And the last time we walked the dogs is prob a hot 14 days ago or so.  I don’t even complete my OCD to-do lists anymore. I think I am dying lol.


 So, in other (positive) random news…Hubs and I found a fabulous new hotel we stayed in last weekend for a night. Hilton Bonnett Creek Orlando-great rates, awesome pool and all around beautiful property. It’s on Disney property & Disney makes me happy lol. Let me not forget to add that the lobby bar has an outstanding Hendricks cucumber tini! It may be hot as shit outside but that equals tan bods, and vitamin D makes you (me) happy! Booked our fourth of July trip to Key West (& hubs bday). I’m doing my first “mud run” next weekend, which should be REAL interesting considering my lack of physical activity lately. Got tickets to Jason Aldean/Luke Bryan and plan on having an epic tailgate come August 10th. SD is doing a lock-in at our YMCA this Saturday…annnnnd “Parents Night Out” Friday-YATZEE. $32 well spent there folks. Headed to a food festival this weekend as well, snagged $5 tickets on living social. I learned that if you spray lemon furniture polish on your glass shower doors and let it sit for 15 min or so it just wipes it all away (are these really the things that excite me now?)-thank you Pinterest. Anything Pioneer Woman has turned out amazeballs. I am slowly but surely cutting down our monthly bills.  Annnnnd last but not least I have not killed anyone-YET. Muahahahaha :)

So there you have it, I guess it isn’t SO bad in the life of this hot mess. HA! Til next time betches…


I want to be like these fools! (Lola & Bob-O)

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Slacker May Update

I know, I know. I have been SLACKING. My bad!

Let’s see if I can distract myself from the 100 pages I have to read for Judicial Process and Politics tomorrow morning for a bit longer by doing a May recap, since this month has FLOWN by…

Family Cruise: Was lots of fun, minus SD acting a fool. She managed to almost get kicked out of “Camp Carnival” for pushing kids and not following directions. AWESOME! Buckets of beer=$22. Yep, 4 16oz beers are as more than a case on land. Our tequila made it on but the “soda” did not. Womp Womp. I thought I was so crafty hot gluing those boxed back lol. We left on Cinco de Mayo so the tequila was still relevant. And lemonade is free, so we had make shift margs for day one and 2?! We also ordered a bottle to our room from the Bon Voyage services, and I highly recommend doing that if you are cruising. $55 for a handle of Skye-pricey but not as pricey as individual drinks. Grand Cayman was the first stop, we took SD to StingRay City and that was GORGEOUS. The water was crystal clear. Snorkeling was the second half of that excursion and SD and I opted out while Hubs played around in the ocean. I was sure she was going to swallow a gallon of salt water and I would be the a-hole with the puking kid all the way back to shore LOL. Second port was Cozumel and after said Camp Carnival incident and the tude that followed, SD didn’t get to go on shore with us there. So being KID FREE we clearly opted for the all you can drink beach day “at leisure”…I’d also like to call this the “who can make friends with randoms and try and out drink them for 8 hours day” because that is how it went down! Good times! I also managed to purchase some Mexican Adipex that I am convinced may be crack. STRONG is the best word to describe it. <3

StingRay City…I need a raft, a beer and this in my life NOW PLEASE!

School: USF has pissed me off again by cancelling two of my classes I was registered for. So that leaves me with Spanish 2 at HCC, Judicial Process & Politics at USF on campus and Life after Death online at USF. Fortunately the online course is a “self paced” class so more than likely I will procrastinate until the end of the semester to even attempt that. HA! 10 hours in 10 weeks, not too horrifying. Fall is going to be another story with 15 hours :-/ At least I graduate in May of 2013?! I GUESS THAT WILL DO…

Family: Dramatic as usual. Probs with Pops, although he has scored a new job set to start tomorrow. SD and her tude need to change. Hubs is awesome and I am a stress ball as usual. Gramps is sick but I think they finally found out what is wrong with him, so that’s a plus. And I guess I need to go out at see my brother’s grave sometime soon and change out the flowers…hmmm yeah. Write that down. BM drama is at a lull and we really have made some strides with all of that mess in the past few weeks. SD will be going to BM’s school in the other county, but whatevs it works out for us too in other ways. What’s a 66 mile round trip 15-20 times a month when you have a leased high end SUV (pardon me BMW, SAV: Sport Activity Vehicle)?! PENNIES isn’t the answer haha.  Maybe life will be “normal” here soon?! Doubt it.

Misc: My Pinterest addition has gotten worse. I am trying the Pioneer Woman Meat Balls for dinner this week. People are swearing by this woman’s blog and recipes so I will give it a whirl! I just baked my “hard boiled” eggs (really much easier). It has to be a clinical sickness how much crap I pin, but at least it spices up my weekly menu. Tonight is chili lime tilapia, roasted sweet potatoes & broccoli. YUM. I really have issues with food lol. Prob going to try to make the avocado egg salad I pinned a bit ago for lunch…even though it is 2pm. Clearly slacking is the theme this month. Follow me on Pinterest, I occasionally post my own stuff too :)

Ummm what else?! Bought tickets to Jason Aldean/Luke Bryan in August, that should be a good time! School is out July 20th at USF-HOORAY. Still trying to nail down kid friendly 4th of July plans but this mid week crap blows. Hubs bday is the day prior (oh God, 29…one more year for the baby factory to be open HAHAHA) so we HAVE to do something. I applied for the Obama Organizing Fellowship for the Summer so maybe I will get that and have tons of awesome political stories for all of you! Fun stuff here, I tell ya ;)

That’s all I’ve got today betches! Time to read, shampoo carpets and maybe shower?! MAYBE. Muahahaha.


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Free wine & roofing conventions…

Heyo! I’m currently sitting at my room service table in Carlsbad, CA. Jealous?! Should be, my huevos rancheros just cost me $35 and who knows what this Heineken costs from the mini bar lol. VACATIONNNNNN!

So last night was the first night of the roofing conference. Let’s just say I was “watering down” my lemonade at Disneyland yesterday and shit hasnt stopped since. Husband put himself to bed shortly after the filet & prawns. I didnt want to turn in, obviously so I stayed at “casino night” with the father in law. Lets just say shit got REAL. Tears, funerals & the word “cunty” were present. I have held onto some pretty shitty feelings towards my no show funeral inlaws for a while. Yep, NOT ONE of them came to my baby brother’s funeral-except my mom in law. But of course I am expected to attend every lame ass birthday party, holiday or bullshit dinner I get pitty invited to. Im over it. Soooooo yeah, that was put on the table only for no resolution. I may have woken up in my dress, but I still know what the shit went on. Typical.

So for now, this is my theme song. The mens are golfing, I guess I should hit the gym. Toodles betches :)


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I’m 28 & on Spring Break Bitchesssss!

Yep, that’s real life.

Last week was my birthday. Yippee. I’m another year closer to necessary botox, ash hair color and a boob lift?! haha. Was a great day: went to Luke Bryan at the Strawberry Festival with like 12 of my favorite people. Snuck in about 25 mini bottles in our BOOTS (dry activity=snoozefest). Did you know you can fit like 4 in each boot? Fun fact for ya. Got shmammered, but didn’t vom or lose anything! Lookie there kids, I’m growing up lol! Oh and FB decided that I was only turning 27, so for that I thank you Mark Zuckerberg (may want to check your apps and their calculations though buddy).

The one of maybe a handful of perks of being on the 10 year plan in college is just that. SPRING BREAK! Husband and I are headed to California for 6 days, hitting up LA, Carlsbad & San Diego. He will be attending a roofing conference and I will be working on my tan and killing my liver poolside at the Park Aviara Hyatt! Sounds like a freaking deal to me!

Back to this “10 year plan” bs.  Let’s clear the air, I attended 2002-2003ish at USF while I was an all-girl cheerleader for them, then took say a 5 year? hiatus from school and did this thing called REAL LIFE. I lived solo, had my own car, paid for everything by my GD self :) Lots of crazy shit went down in that time period, and I made more money than most of you will your first years out of school. I moonlighted as an executive administrative assistant to a commercial real estate brokerage, bartended at local bars, coached nationally ranked all star cheer & dance teams. Most of the time all at once.  So, no…I don’t have sympathy for those of you still camping out at mom & dad’s or not handling your own shit after say about age 22 even though I started that at 19 lol. Started back at community college due to the cost of the lovely home of the Bulls and went part time around 2009. Finished up my AA in Fall this year (because I owed USF cash still, of course) and now I’m on my home stretch to graduate with a BA in Political Science in December of this year if all goes well.

No school. No work. No kid. No dogs. NOTHING to be responsible for except keeping my Tervis filled with the good stuff. Hell I may even kick it like I’m 19 again and drink in the shower (Panama City Beach circa 2002 or 3?!). 

I’ll check back in with who knows what kind of randomness later this week. 5:15am flight outta this beast in the morning :)


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Carnie Rant

Happy Hump Day Bitches! 

For those of you that aren’t from my hood, the Florida Strawberry Festival is going on right now. We don’t play around when it comes to berries! You can get strawberry shortcake, strawberry cookies, strawberry lemonade, strawberry sweet tea, strawberry shakes, strawberry funnel cakes…the list goes on. Plus every delicious & disgusting fried or “on a stick” creation you can imagine. So there are the usual games, rides, a parade, concerts (LUKE BRYAN tomorrow on MY BIRTHDAY eeeek), animal shows, and PAGEANTS! Of course we have a Strawberry Queen, duh. Girls starve themselves for that coveted title haha! We rode the “Bear Affair” (really with that name?!), The Super Fun Slide & some himalaya gimic-maybe called the Flying Bobs?! Hell I don’t know. I also got sucked into the ping pong fish game and boy was I wrong when I thought SD wouldn’t sink one. Now we have a fish named “Strawberry Bum Bum“- you think the carnies inspired her name?! hahahaha. SD had a corndog and strawberry lemonade. All for the low price of $50. YEE HAW :)

And with all that comes…CARNIES! These mofos are beyond annoying. Yes, I get it-it’s your job to talk shit and try and take my money. But really…when I have a damn 5 yr old tagging along can you refrain from “damn look at THAT ass” or “hey sexy mama this ones on me…let her play” GROSS. One even guessed my damn name which blew SD’s mind so she tried to keep talking to the one toothed wonder. What makes them think it is ok to act/look/talk like that? I live pretty damn close to carnie central, aka Gibsonton FL so you would think I’d be used to it. Not the case. I still want to hand out toothbrushes, hand sani and GED pamphlets.

That’s my adventure for the day…now to write this midterm. BOO


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The Steel Trap

Yeah I said it. When it comes to certain things my freaking mind is like a steel trap. Normally it is pertaining to shit that isn’t necessarily super important…like song lyrics from 1989, Britney Spears dances, my first tap routine, how to count to 10 in Japanese, etc. But there is one thing that comes in handy ever so often…I have a effing card catalog in my head of shit people agreed to. Plans, legal documents, response times, things owed to me-it’s all there. I file every email away. Invitations are on my cork board. I have excel sheets for bills. I know how much cash I spent at the bar no matter how blacked out I get. My gmail calendar is pushed to my phone & I have a hand written calendar on top of that. I function off of extreme to-do lists. I AM ON IT. Now, is it OCD? Probably so, but the OCD has brought so much order to things in my life for the past few years that are so DISORDERLY. So fair warning if you are going to quote me, check your facts and check the paper trail because I can promise you I have it :)

Happy Sunday Bitches…I’m off to shop my ass off in this nasty SoFla weather!


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Should we go back to snail mail?!

Ok. I’m impatient, I admitted that in my bio but holy shit there is something that drives me BONKERS.


Be it family, professors, businesses or whoever the hell I have spent time writing detailed emails to I swear to Cheesus* I only know like 2 people as prompt as I am with returning emails! I’d say 80% of all the people I write to have smartphones…with push capabilities so what the hell is the issue? Is your time more valuable than mine? Is it that hard to acknowledge it and reply in short? I’m confused. Here is when it gets even better…

I SEE YOU ON FB, WWF, Pinterest or any other GD social network tip tapping away from-you guessed it-your mobile device!

That makes me want to punch babies. Financial offices and family seem to be the repeat offenders. I mean, I get it we are all SOOOOOO busy in our awesome jet setting lives that hitting reply is entirely too much but JEEZ!  Simple replies are accepted people: yes, ok thanks, got it!, I will have to check let me get back to you, etc. ALL WORK JUST FINE. Whew, had to get that out there. Now don’t read this and ignore my ass for shits & gigs ;)


*Cheesus: referencing my dear B. Spears lord and savior Chester the Cheeto Cat since I don’t believe in MAGIC (get it now?!) hahaha. 

That's mah girl!

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