It was about 4 months of trying (psycho tracking my cycle and morning raping my husband) before I finally grew a pair to
pee on the stick after I was a week late for my monthly friend. JK, I didn’t pee on it. I decided to half ass the test and dip that $12 stick of horror into where I had already peed and somehow decided at 5:45am “fuck it, I’ll dip it in and it probably won’t work…I’ll check when I get out of the shower and still be able to partake in thirsty Thursday tomorrow”. SIKE. I couldn’t set that Clear Blue digital down before the bitch read PREGNANT. Legit tossed it in the cabinet and debated life in the shower. Finally grew a pair and told the hubs post shower, in tears. See how magical that was!?
Moving forward I felt pretty normal for the next few weeks. Well, not really- I was DYING for a drink. Watching DH drink over those first couple of weekends was a form of torture that should be illegal. I was a hormonal vodka needing asshole. Then the joys of morning sickness rolled around and although I never actually puked, I had the pleasure of feeling deathly hungover from about 5am-3pm daily. Weeks 7 8 & 9 sucked but I wasn’t fat yet so that was a plus. In fact, I lost weight all the way up until week 17 when I evened back out. Not sure how I pulled that off because carbs were LIFE. Bagels on bagels on bagels. Everything has been alright since then and I’m missing more of my waistline daily. With that little inside story out there, here is why I call bullshit on “loving” being pregnant:
- This shit is 100% alien. Hey, you’ve got a semi- permanent human growing in you and today its the size of a sweet potato! WHAT. THE. FUCK. Like really, what about that sounds cool?! Ever seen the diagram of how shit shifts around in there to make room for your spawn?! Google it.
- No booze. Ok, well no booze according to some US studies. Pretend you’re European or Australian and you are cool with some “moderate” drinking. Do your research and keep yourself sane. I have a couple glasses of wine prob twice a week on average. The she-alien (spoiler alert if you didn’t already know its a girl lol) is jussssst fine and I haven’t been committed so I’d call that a win. Don’t add blow or cigs to your vino and all will be well (no really, some studies forget to tell you all the deets about their subjects). Sorry to ruin your party lol.
- Tired level: ZOMBIE. Literally could go to bed at 4pm and be fine with staying there all night. Whats that 2nd trimester glorious energy they speak of? I know none of it.
- Everyone’s damn opinion on working out. I LIFT WEIGHTS. Not the girly ass 8lb hand weights at your local YMCA either. Pre-baby growing I was racking up some sweet PRs over the past 2.5 years (230 deadlift, 205 back squat, 115lb hang clean, etc.) This means my head will spin when you tell me to put the 22lb bag of cat food down. My doctor is aware of my crossfit regimen and last I checked you dont carry a medical degree so pipe the F down and back up. You can continue sitting on your ass now :)
- PEE. Just learned this the hard way last week- you can/will piss your pants. Or maybe not your pants if you’re lucky enough to be in a robe only when you choke on some OJ and BLAM…you’re 2 dogs are looking at you like WTF lady! Working out you feel like you’re gonna pee. Middle of the night pee. Pee. Pee. PEE.
- POOP. Yeah, I said it. Remember how I said to google how your insides shift when knocked up? Welllll that also screws with your bowels and its not fun. When your stomachs upset, you can’t take Pepto. Then they want you to get more iron and that supplement backs you up to 1995. Then you get gas pains so bad you think the baby is now stabbing you with a knife. My advice? Don’t skip the fucking Friday Grande Pumpkin Spiced Latte you normally get. Shit (HA) gets real if you’ve got issues for too long.
- Food “restrictions”. You will be judged on this almost as much as you were by that 12 year old at Cheesecake Factory when she eavesdrops and tells her dad you’re drinking wine and talking about how far along you are. Yes, that happened while meeting to talk baby shower, suck it kid. Under-cooked meat, eggs, deli meat, sushi, soft cheese & all things you likely adore are “off limits”. To that I say NOPE. I eat eggs over medium prob once a week, have had a turkey sammich or 2 and still wont burn my steak over medium rare. Americans have a problem with moderation in general so I’d guess doctors are just like “lets tell these clowns no so they don’t go to the all you can eat sushi bar like jackasses and off their baby accidentally”. Moderation people, moderation!
- Maternity clothes. No, I haven’t switched to them yet. I also haven’t started wearing orthopedic shoes (because wearing heels pregnant is some kind of CRAZY thing!?). People were asking that shit right after I announced like 10 weeks ago. Honey, I was down weight because I couldn’t drink my face off so I was digging being 3lbs under my pre-prego weight so BACK OFF lol. Literally just ordered and started using the Bellaband late last week (week 21). I don’t want to “enjoy” the fucking fat pants with elastic waistbands. I don’t want a reason to feel comfortable getting larger. Growing up in the cheer and dance industry its really hard for me to grasp being OK with gaining weight. I’ve put on right under 6lbs and I’m 22 weeks tomorrow. And before you say it, yes I know I am going to grow and gain weight but there is not one ounce of me that likes it.
- Freak show dreams. Ever dreamt of losing your shit on your husband because he and all of your house guests got DQ Blizzards and you didn’t? How about dreaming everything you try and drink is just a fake out container of saliva? It gets more and more strange by the night and trying to explain it is even more absurd. PS- I got a damn blizzard and it was glorious.
- Ride restrictions. Being the Disney junkie that I am, it really sucks to have to sit out Tower of Terror AND get DH a beer while you’re at it. Double whammy of suck. I get it if its Montu or Manta and there are some G forces going on but I doubt anything in Magic Kingdom is going to throw this kid for that big of a whirl. I still do handstand push-ups soooo!?
- Birthing. While I dont know it personally yet, it seems HORRIBLE. All the drugs in the world don’t make sending an 8lb baby down a hallway they say can get as big as a bagel sound intriguing. Nor does having your gut sliced open while awake. LOSE LOSE situation here kids. Wake me up when its over?!
- Anxiety. While I am no stranger to heart palpitations, over thinking and Olympic style worrying this baby thing brings it to a whole new level. First Dr. appt BP? 144/70. Whoops. You didn’t feel it move at 16 weeks like some other broads? Freak out. Google lab results. Freak out some more. Read blogs about next doctor’s appointments. You guessed it, FREAK THE FUCK OUT. All day, everyday… and then remember you can’t self medicate with copious amounts of booze.
I’m sure there is more that I should have written down when I thought “this is some bullshit” but I didn’t. The next time someone says “you will miss having that baby growing in you” I’m buying a bottle of Tito’s for post baby eviction date so I can remember that I sure as hell WON’T miss it lol. That’s my list for this evening, it’s bed time bitches. LMK what you HATED about being knocked up so we can all get a good laugh :)